There are certain moments in my life that I felt the deep, resonating need to take a big risk. The times I’ve heeded that feeling resulted in some of my most life-affirming moments. They are the BIG “hell yes’s” that you hear about.
Not the “hell yes, let’s catch up over coffee.” More of the, “HELL yes, let’s sell our house, pack all our things into storage, and move to New York City so I can go to grad school.” Wow, that sounds crazy just typing that. But that is literally what I did, and it was such an authentic truth for me that it didn’t sound crazy in the moment at all.
The first time I remember having this feeling was when I heard about a study abroad program my freshman year of college. I was studying architecture, and I heard about a program called World Tour where students spend an entire semester traveling around the world. It only occurred once every 3 years, you had to apply for it, and it cost a lot of money. And I instantly knew that I had to do whatever it took to go the next time it happened. I was meant to be part of that experience. Not in a “should” kind of way. It almost felt like I had come from the future, and I knew that I had already been part of it, so of course I would go.
And I did. It was a life changing, amazing experience. We visited 24 countries, over 50 cities, in 103 days. During that time, patterns emerged across continents and cultures. The world didn’t feel so vastly different or big; it felt smaller and more intimate, like we’re all in this together. It dramatically changed my political views and understanding, and made me a better, more empathetic person.
The next time I felt this pull was for graduate school in NYC. It feels so cliché writing that, but at the time I wasn’t looking for graduate schools nor had I every dreamed of living in New York. I happened upon multiple blog posts from influential designers who I followed, saying they would be teaching in this new MFA program. I looked into the program and the feeling hit. I was meant to be there. For the first cohort. With these people.
I was so nervous during the interview process because I wanted it so much. I never considered the risk of being the first class of a new program, with an untested new group of faculty and program chair; I only saw the opportunity to pioneer, give feedback, and forever be a part of the history of this program. I knew it would succeed. I knew I had to be there for it.
My husband was not as convinced, although he patiently listened and agreed that we could handle anything for 2 years. And with my acceptance letter in hand, most of our possessions stored in Indiana, a jam-packed Uhaul, and a drugged up corgi, we drove our way straight into Manhattan and set up shop for our 2 year stint.
Finally, my most recent hell yes was a bit more of a slow burn. After grad school I looked for jobs in Austin, TX, where we wanted to live next. I was instantly drawn to the IBM design studio, but I also noticed an announcement of a new design agency that had just started up, argodesign. It had a brand new website with a small crew of mostly guys, a portfolio of interesting projects, and the ethos of Think by Making. That last part is what resonated with me most. I’ve always been a maker, and there was something about that company that called to me, with a combination of digital and physical design, and actually making those designs real. But it wasn’t the right time.
I accepted the position with IBM, but I kept my eye on argo, what they were working on, how they grew, and I attended some of their events and got to know some of the designers who worked there. I even had some interesting overlaps, where I gave a talk at argo about physical prototyping with Arduino.
It felt like I was in the gravitational pull of a planet or star, slowly being pulled to the center. I had no idea the opportunity would arise 5 months after having my daughter, when I considered other options after maternity leave, and after working at IBM for 3.5 years. This time was a little different too. For this interview, I knew the risks of leaving a steady, in-house job for something unknown: agency life. But I didn’t feel as nervous about it. I was interviewing them for proper fit as much as they were interviewing me. Although I probably knew it was the right place for me, I still had to be sure. But after I accepted, I felt the deep ease, that I had made it to where I was meant to be.
As I get older, it’s harder to feel and accept a risky “hell yes.” I have a husband and daughter I love, a job and coworkers who keep me on my toes and challenged in the best way, a house that we’ve finally painted and settled into. It feels a bit like complacency, but not really. It actually feels like my whole life right now is one BIG hell yes, one that I’ve cultivated and created for myself. Now I try to tune in and see if there are small hell yes’s that might improve my life in smaller ways: making intuitive art, using my laser cutter, making crafts with my daughter.
But what other BIG hell yes’s might be in store for my life? I’m not sure, maybe there’s a finite number of them that a single person receives. Or maybe it’s an intuitive trait that I can continue to listen to and follow. I hope that I can stay open to those seemingly big risks and lean into the feeling that it’s meant to be. That makes it easier to follow through when I know I can do it.
And who knows, I have a little voice saying that my family and I are meant to live overseas at some point in time. Like in New Zealand, or Italy. Anything is a possibility. I just have to be open to it and ready to take action when it’s the proper time.